Dear Staphenie Vol. 9
Answering Questions Nobody Asked and Several They Shouldn't Have
Welcome back to Dear Staphenie — where your technical failures, romantic disasters, and deeply questionable life choices are handled by an agony aunt with a classified history, a loyalty card at Dan Murphy’s, and at least two active warrants she’s aware of.
We’ve had a big few months—can’t get into specifics for legal reasons, but suffice to say Belinda will not be returning to the Byron Bay yoga retreat, and the restraining order covers a radius that I consider deeply flattering.
Let’s get into it.
Dear Staphenie,
My coach keeps telling me to “use my hips” but every time I try I just sort of… wobble. My hips do not appear to be a weapon. They are simply a structural inconvenience. Is there a belt level at which the hips finally activate, or has mine been off the whole time?
— Pelvis Non Grata
Hi sweet pea,
Do you know who an often overlooked Jiu Jitsu practitioner is? Shakira. I’m not joking. She’s actually a 3rd degree black belt under Lachlan Giles.
“Hips Don’t Lie” might be a catchy tune, but the entire re-issue 2006 album Oral Fixation Vol. 2 is actually a deeply coded BJJ instructional. Give it a listen in full and see how you go.
Bonus fact: Wyclef Jean is actually a very competent purple belt. And a soft, yet intense lover.
Dear Staphenie,
There’s a guy at my gym who records every roll on his phone and posts them without asking. He has 43 followers. Three of them are gym members who are absolutely seething. Do I confront him, or is this a matter for the universe to handle?
— Unwilling Content Creator
Back in the days before smart phones, Belinda spent an entire afternoon copying the security footage onto VHS so she could show people me tapping to shoulder pressure.
As much as I hate that woman, I have to respect the effort. These days in a couple of clicks your low-lights are on the internet forever, I don’t envy today’s youth.
You and your 3 teammates need to get Go-Pros. Headmounts too.
Invite him to a private open mat, blindfold him and beat him with pool-ball filled socks.
Bonus points if you stream it live.
Dear Staphenie,
I had a dream that you were my coach and the whole class was just you hitting us with a wooden spoon and reciting numbers in a language no one recognised. There were no mats. The floor was a fine gravel. I woke up and my hip was actually sore. Should I be concerned, or was this a lesson?
— Attended Class in My Sleep
Oh poppet. That was no dream.
Jamie put you out in the parking lot with an arm triangle, remember? It was a lesson, you failed.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been drilling the same single leg takedown for six months. Every time I shoot it in a live roll, I end up face-down on the mat getting rear naked choked by someone who was genuinely just standing there. At what point do I accept that drilling and rolling are two entirely separate sports?
— Six Months, Zero Legs
Hi darling,
There’s a very handsome young man named Greg “Smoulder” Souder who might hold the answer to this predicament.
At his gym, rather than drilling, his students play games with certain ‘constraints’ to encourage the training to go in a certain direction. The aim being you find these subtle technique adjustments under live conditions so you aren’t left feeling like a dickhead when the move of the day doesn’t work.
We do ignore that his athletes are all world class black belts who already know every technique, mind.
I just get lost in his eyes.
Dear Staphenie,
My physio told me I need to take eight weeks off. My coach told me rest is a mindset. My body told me nothing because it has given up communicating with me entirely. Whose advice do I follow?
— Structurally Negotiating
Cookie, come on. Let’s not be silly.
Physiotherapists are highly trained, specialised healthcare professionals. It takes years of fulltime study to become qualified under extremely strict and thorough governing bodies.
Your coach is your professor. It’s taken him at least 10 years of work to get that piece of black cloth around his waist. Being a black belt also means he’s an expert in most other fields too, remember.
Get back on the mats, wuss.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve started referring to difficult situations in my personal life using jiu jitsu terminology. My therapist said I “pulled guard” on a conversation about my father. My partner said I’ve been “stalling from top” in our relationship for three years. My cat just stares at me. Am I enlightened or have I gone too far?
— Thinking in Positions
Therapy is for guard pullers, just do you know.
I know what you mean though, when I worked in sales, I told a young account manager she needs to mount and submit in order to close deals. I was speaking in metaphor, but HR took it differently.
Point is, this stuff can get you into trouble. Try to observe regular, normal people in public and see what kind of words they use to describe situations.
Dear Staphenie,
I keep getting told my base is terrible. But nobody can agree on what “good base” actually is — one coach says wide, another says narrow, a purple belt told me to “feel the floor.” I am currently touching the floor with my entire body because I have no base. Please advise.
— Foundationally Bankrupt
Ironically, pebble, being flat on the ground, is the best base. You just can’t form any attacks from there. And that’s all Jiu Jitsu is. Remaining in enough alignment (base included) while you try to pull your opponent out of theirs.
Stop focusing on your own base and start trying to disrupt theirs. Get offensive for god sake.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been training for two years and my mum still refers to it as “that strangling class.” She said it “with concern” at Christmas in front of my nan. My nan then asked if I was in a gang. I would like to explain jiu jitsu to my family without losing their respect. Do you have any scripts I can use?
— Accidentally Suspicious
See my love, that’s the thing. Jiu Jitsu has no respect, so you’re fighting a losing battle.
Show them an ADCC match and they’ll think you’re gay. Explaining how the Gracies honed the art by beating bums on the beaches of Rio won’t help the gang-affiliation. The best base for MMA is now Sambo apparently.
Fuck it, tell them you do Karate.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been told you once submitted a man so efficiently at a government function that he signed over mineral rights to a small island before he regained consciousness. Is this true, and if so, is that island where the Codex is being kept?
— Connecting Dots Again
What you hear is true, young one.
Unfortunately that island proved to be less fruitful than initially thought. Once I extracted all of the resources, I sold it to a couple of idiots named Jeffery and Donald for a few million in ‘98.
Dear Staphenie,
I want to propose to my partner. We met at open mat. She once caught me in a mounted triangle and whispered “you’re not getting out of this one” and I genuinely fell in love in that moment. Should I propose on the mats, and if so, what position gives me the best optics for the photo?
— Ready to Submit to Commitment
Aw peanut, this is wonderful news! Aunty Staph loves love.
When I proposed to my first husband, I false reaped him into the saddle and caught his heel tight. Reaching into my rashie, I pulled out the ring and popped the question.
In hindsight, I think he only said yes because if he tried to run his ACL would have popped too.
You could shove it down your spats and armbar her, the box would help leverage and make the submission super effective.
You could then place the ring on her limp hand, it’ll be so romantic.
I hope my invite is in the mail!
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