Dear Staphenie Vol.10
No Refunds. No Apologies. Mild Supervision.
Welcome back to Dear Staphenie — where your guard retention, your life choices, and your increasingly parasocial relationship with your own coach are examined with the care and precision of someone who once submitted a sitting magistrate and has never once apologised for it.
I’ve had a big few weeks. Can’t get into all of it, but Belinda has been spotted in the greater Sydney area and I’ve had to update my perimeter accordingly. The good news is I found her loyalty card at Dan Murphy’s and I’ve been redeeming the points. The bad news is she’s enrolled at a gym in Newtown and someone will have to warn them.
Let’s crack on.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been training for three years and I still get submitted by the same white belt every single session. He’s seventeen, weighs about 60kg and apologises every time. I’ve started leaving before the roll so I don’t have to shake his hand. Is this avoidance, or strategic self-preservation?
— Haunted by a Teenager
Hello my dear,
My Chemical Romance said it best; teenagers scare the living shit out of me.
You’re right to duck him. With the exception of his pre-frontal cortex, everything is growing into adult proportions.
The combination of elevated hormones, youthful energy, unemployment and zero responsibilities means he can train every day and will quickly surpass most hobbyists with ease.
You have two options; swallow your ego, understand he might be a tough roll but he’ll make you a better grappler as a result, or fuck his mum.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been with my partner for six years. We don’t train together. Last week she said she wants to try a class. I love her deeply but I genuinely don’t know if I can watch someone I respect get mounted by a stranger. How do I navigate this?
— Domestically Compromised
Oh darling,
Sketchy territory here. I’m assuming your partner is of adult age, so you should be safe if you’re near ATOS at least.
But, I think the real question here is; are you worried about your partners safety? Or are you just insecure?
Dodgy coaches/athletes exist, and if that’s your worry, why do you train there? Otherwise suck it up big man and let her give it a go.
Dear Staphenie,
I keep hearing about “mat time” being the answer to everything. Bad at takedowns? Mat time. Can’t escape side control? Mat time. Existential dread at 3am? Presumably, mat time. At what point does mat time become a cult and who do I speak to about leaving?
— Institutionalised
Does one get good at football by sitting on the sidelines?
Reckon you could throw a 180 without ever touching a dart?
Shut up and get on the mat, kid. Ironically enough, the guy you need to talk to to quit is probably on the mat right now.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve started bowing when I enter rooms that aren’t the gym. Supermarkets, mostly. People are beginning to notice. Is this a phase or have I lost something I can’t get back?
— Accidentally Reverent
Ah, I’ve seen this many times over the years. Belinda once bowed to a pedestrian crossing, narrowly avoiding being decapitated by a bus, which was a shame.
You’ll grow out of it by late blue belt when the sport isn’t your entire personality.
Or move to Japan. They fucking LOVE bowing over there.
Dear Staphenie,
There is a man at my gym who breathes so loudly during rolls that I lose focus entirely. It’s not exertion. It’s something else. Something intentional. I feel like it’s a technique. Should I be scared?
— Acoustically Overwhelmed
Less scared poppet, more intrigued.
Tennis players famously grunt to get a bit more oomph into their hits. It’s proven to work, albeit being super annoying.
You need to one up them during your rolls. They breathe loud, you breathe louder. He grunts, you grunt more aggressively.
Depending on how committed he is to the bit, you may have to take it further. I’m a fan of scratching my back on the wall, like a bear. But I’m not against marking the mats with urine either.
Drop the instructionals and start watching some nature documentaries.
Dear Staphenie,
I have been working the same guard pass for eight months. My coach says it’s nearly there. My training partners say nothing because they have all passed through it effortlessly and moved on with their lives. At what point is “nearly there” a kindness and not a diagnosis?
— Perpetually Almost
I commend your passion and commitment darling.
Multiple things could be happening here; your partners are too good at the counters/retention to this specific pass. Try it on a less experienced player and work your way back up to your regular partners.
Two; although most Jiu Jitsu is very accessible, this particular move might not work for your body type or mobility level. Switch it up every now and again.
Or, you’re just a bit shit.
Dear Staphenie,
I recently got promoted and my boss has started cc’ing me into emails I don’t understand and asking my opinion in meetings about things I know nothing about. Everyone seems to think I’m more capable than I am. Do I say something or just keep nodding?
— Accidentally Senior
I feel you’ve written into the wrong newsletter honey, but fear not. Belinda and I, before the falling out, once co-CEO’d a hugely popular catheter manufacturer. We quite literally changed the pissing game.
Truth be told, we had no idea what we were doing. But here’s the secret; no one else does either!
Janitor to Managing Director. We’re all just bloody winging it, sweetie.
Just nod along and you’ll gently pick it up. When in doubt, chuck a “let’s take that offline” or the occasional “we’ll circle back”.
Knowing you can easily choke them unconscious is a great stress management tool, too.
Dear Staphenie,
I went to my first competition last weekend. I lost in seventeen seconds. My family came to watch. My dad filmed it. Nobody has mentioned it since and I think we’re all just going to pretend it didn’t happen. Is that healthy?
— Seventeen Seconds
Oh pickle, I’m so, so sorry that happened.
Not only is that completely healthy, it’s almost charity.
One of my white belts lost in a similar fashion, and I made him walk the 28k back home. The highways were well lit, so it wasn’t dangerous.
Jiu Jitsu parents are different. Your Dad’s love and approval is conditional upon competition results.
All you need to do is win, baby. At any cost.
Dear Staphenie,
I’ve been told I need to “trust the process.” I have been trusting the process for two years. The process has not trusted me back. Is the process a one-sided relationship, and if so, how do I break up with it?
— Ghosted by the Process
Cookie, it highly depends on the process.
If you want women, following Clavicular’s process will leave you a virgin.
Wealth? Derek Moneyberg’s process will leave you broke.
Jiu Jitsu? Come train with me instead of Belinda (yeah, I know who you are). I’ll turn you into a killer.
That’s your lot for Vol. 10, you wonderful disasters.
May your escapes be slippery, your submissions be clean, and may whoever has been giving you unsolicited advice mid-roll develop a sudden and inconvenient groin complaint.
I’ll be taking a brief sabbatical next week. Purely logistical. The restraining order specifies certain postcodes and the Byron Bay yoga retreat has its annual summit coming up.
Belinda thinks she’s safe there.
She is not.
Yours in controlled aggression,
Staphenie
xoxo
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